I'm Recovering From A Breakup
At the start of June, me and my girlfriend broke up. I'm still coming to terms with it. It's been such a devastating loss. I felt closer to her than anyone else.
The transition from speaking every day to not at all, and from planning to spend the rest of our lives together to accepting that I most likely will never see her again, has been difficult.
For a time, we were in love and we were there for each other. We made a great many memories that will always mean so much to me.
Our relationship broke down as we slowly began to realise that we weren't right for each other, even though we so desperately wanted to be.
I'm often reminded of everything that made our relationship so special to me, and I'm still learning to live with it all being trapped in time - never to be experienced again.
It helps to remember that the pain felt is in proportion to how much I value our time together.
I'm deeply grateful for having got to experience some of my life by her side. I hope she does well and get's everything she wants out of life.
I'm Figuring Out What It Means To Be Autistic
I don't know what led me to reading Annie Kotowicz's What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic and Devon Price's Unmasking Autism, but I found myself relating to the autistic experience as described by them.
Does that mean I'm autistic? I don't know.
Previously I knew of autism but didn't really know what it was. I hadn't realised it is so pervasive as to effect all of your being; that it's a different way of experiencing the world. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me.
Would formal diagnosis help? It's said to be a complex process because autism is very diverse, in symptoms and severity, and not well understood. Many people tend to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed as a result.
I'm less bothered about formal diagnosis or confirmation. I don't care about whether or not the label autistic accurately describes me. I'm more interested in gaining a better understanding of how I experience the world and why. Viewing things through the lens of autism seems to help that, and that's good enough for me.
I'm Thinking About Going To University
I never went to University when all my friends did. I had built up a disdain for formal education by then. I didn't like how my college course of Games Development was taught and I was left uninterested in pursuing higher education.
But recently I've been thinking I would now enjoy it. I'd study Computer Science. I want to pursue mastery in this, and a few years of full-time directed study would greatly enhance my capability.
I'd undoubtedly get a lot more out of it now than previously, as I can better rely on myself to take it seriously and do the necessary work.
I don't necessarily need to go to University for this, just to study full-time. There is such an enormous amount of material available online and through textbooks that you could achieve the same result without formal education. But then I'd need to solely finance my not working for a long span, and that's much more prohibitive. Student loans would make it possible where it likely otherwise wouldn't be.
The qualification would also be beneficial to have, all things being equal.
The big blockade is deciding whether or not the opportunity cost is worthwhile. When taking into account the forgone salary, tuition loans, maintenance loans, and additional living expenses, the opportunity cost is looking to be £50,000 for each year of tuition. And that's without taking into account salary increases or potential investment returns.
I'm also thinking that, if I was to go through all the preparation and effort required to get a Bachelor's Degree, I may aswell go one step further and get a Master's Degree aswell. I'd do an Integrated Master's Course which would take 4 or 5 years, depending on where I went. That's a high opportunity cost!
But does the opportunity cost even matter? Do I want to structure my life in the pursuit of optimal financial gain? Surely there are better things to optimise for, like the pursuit of mastery of craft.
Would the cost even be that bad a loss? If my going to University were to lead to an additional £10,000 compensation each year for the entirety of my career, it would likely be a net-profit anyway - and that seems quite plausible.
I don't have to decide now anyway. I wouldn't enroll for another 2 or 3 years, so that I have time to prepare my finances and prerequisite knowledge. I'll sit with it for a while.